A wake to the dragon

Hey ya all !! Happy new year !! I am wishing ya all great prosperity for this dragon year. I get confused reading the chinese horoscope, but.. oh well. I’ll try to read & fathom it some other time.

I am back in Kota Kinabalu now. Nothing much happening here, I’m being the lazy bum I used to be, trying to get back to my old self. The wound still open & still hurt even though I am thoroughly missed. I hate the what if, or the I feel it should be that way. It’s all bull shit. I’ll put my feet down & walk away. If anyone run after me, I’ll slow down. Or else, I’ll just keep on running forward.

I think I’m going to love 2012. I will be jet-setting all over the world, every month. January in Jakarta, Kuala Lumpur & Kota Kinabalu, February in Cameron, March in Singapore, April in Phuket, and the list go on. This enough (hopefully) will mend my broken heart.

I’m making a pack to myself that when I get back to Penang tomorrow, I’ll start back with my to-do list such as 2 weekly game of tennis (with 2 different groups), a cross-training either at the park or treadmill every other day & also to get myself used to the water (meaning that I have to put my head in the water). I promise to myself that I’ll submit the PhD application too, and to be at par with the senior landscape architect. That is my 2012 plan, yes, and as listed in the new year resolution.

Unrequited always dealing with depression, low self-esteem, anxiety and rapid mood swings between depression and euphoria. Every event, day by day lead by these two. I am tired. I need to stand up again. I cried enough. I haven’t really been taking care of myself well in the past few months. Hence, my fitness gone haywire, I fall sick quite often and so on.

I can make it through the rain. I can stand up once again. 

So my dear reader, please appreciate those who are around you for what they feel for you. They may not showing any empathy towards you when they expressed their feeling but deep down inside, it’s like a cancer spreading through your heart. They keep it cool in front of you but you got no idea what’s boiling inside. I kept my cool in front but when I turned away, tears running down my cheek and no one sees it.

That is why I try to keep things straight with everyone. The least that I want to do is to broke somebody else heart. If they are trying to get close to me, and I am not interested with them, I keep my distance. Even if they want to be friends with me, going out etc, I keep my distance because I know they will have this kind of ‘hope’ that I will eventually like them.

That’s why I rather be alone. I don’t want to hurt anyone, because I know how hurt it was when it’s unreciprocated. I know that feeling very, very well.

I’ve been down and standing up so, so many times. I don’t know how many time I have to fall again, but I’m feeling tired. I think I should just shut off the whole world, so I won’t get hurt anymore.

Patty Pad

Hey ya !! Updating from my new iTampon 2. Eh, I mean iPad 2 haha. I am currently at Starbucks Straits Quay having my seriously orange juice, seriously flirting with the barista before driving to Batu Ferringhi for dinner with a couple of friends. Nothing much to update, just that I am contented with life at the moment. I am loving my job, enjoying the place I am now, nothing much to complain about and I am good, back to square one. Back to the old Ida. I hope so. I feel so though!!

Btw, my wordpress blog interface in iPad is so dang cool ! omg you should see it, or perhaps those who already been reading my posts from an iPad please say hey  yoo, because I didn’t know how it looked like till last night!

Salvatore ferragamo

Happy new year 2012 to all! I’m back in Malaysia for almost a week now but I didn’t get a chance to blog about my recent trip to Jakarta, Indonesia due to some food poisoning, flu, fever and whatsnot. I’m all well now, I’m still coughing though.

Anyway, this would be my first ever expensive (ever) balerina shoes from Salvatore Ferragamo. Been eyeing this flats for the past 10 years. I mean, not this one but the varina line from the label. I’m hoping for more nicer shoes to be added to my collection i.e. Manolo Blahnik, Christian Louboutins, Choo, Weitzman, Lanvin, etc.

I got an extreme discount for this !! Seriously,to convert to malaysian ringgit, the discount is come to 1.2k !! It’s worth buying though buying a flats that cost more than my salary are beyond idiotic, but oh well, I’m a shopaholic. Oh how I love Plaza Indonesia. I hope Gurney Paragon will be as cool as PI !

It’s a cute flats for brunch & shopping spree with friends ! Wee. Am happy. I’m so in love with the bow, coral color & the comfy leather lining inside. Ah. I’ll be the only pretty feet in Penang to wear this !!  xx

2012 resolution

I have reviewed my 2011 resolution and I am quite happy with my achievement this year. There are a few that has been carry forward for years i.e. to learn how to swim. I am not throwing that resolution till I get it done. even if it takes thousand of years.

Alright, I am starting it fresh this time. I have written down my resolution in my planner and below are the list of things that I want to achieve in 2012:

1. To register as PhD candidate, to firm up my proposal, getting that science grant, patented my idea and to come up with first prototype by end of the year 2012;

2. To travel more. I mean, more than 2011. Been to 3 countries in 2011. I wish for more traveling in 2012

3. To save more money. Yes, I am a huge spender. I spend my kaching unwisely. It’s time to go back to my old financial planning plan. To save more & allocate some for the investment (and unit trust), to pay all my study loan by 2014!! ;

4. To jump to second job once I am stable with PhD thingy, and appropriate working experience in Penang. I am thinking of going back to KL, or Singapore? Still surveying the job prospect;

5. To register as graduate landscape architect (I hope I can do this, due to unforeseen circumstances of usm graduate, please have mercy on us. We did fair time of studying landscape architecture and studio works too, we came from different degree background that make us even special than those who graduated with a bachelor in landscape architecture). I am just saying;

6. To have more fun, fun, F U N;

7. Run more, tennis more, dance more, it’s time to learn how to get over the fear of water, and swim;

8. To get to know him more. To be the best of friends. He will see me;

9. To make my parents happy/proud. Should be going back to KK often too;

10. Health wise: more moisturized skin, to drink more water, eat more fruits & veggie, more white meat and less red meat, reduce in oily & processed food;

11. To get more creative. To make perfect of my drafting skills, acquiring more construction knowledge. To learn how to sketch better and to polish on my watercolor skills.

Whoa. That’s like, eleven resolution, and each is divided into sub-target. Yes, these are the things that I want to achieve in 2012. At least, these will be the guidance for me to drive further in life.

Amen.

Noche buena !

Noche buena in Philippines tradition, is literaly a good night, usually referring the the christmas eve. Normally, a traditional xmas eve dinner with the family. Well, I’m not a christian, and am far away from my family. So, a get-together with a bunch of loves here in Penang to celebrate the noche buena. At least, they can be called my so-called family here in Penang.

We selected one of the nicest restaurant around Batu Ferringhi. A couple of my friends (and lecturer) suggested me to go there to dine in, but after 2 years of living in Penang, I finally went there. The place was decorated beautifully that bring out the christmas spirit. Ah. I feel like home. Dining with bunch of love in a lovely place, what else could I wish for (I do wish for somebody, but of well, cest la vie).

Bunch of love!

Our gifts ! for the gift exchange! minus my bling bling clutch!

Me with my gift! thank you mos !! xx

The gingerbread house as one of the xmas decor ! weee

Even the cashier looks soo xmasyy !

The big xmas tree at the entrance and the outlet signage !

The bar with stars

Stars!

Yeah, I want that huge present !! xx

Me & Jason at the bar. Yes, wanna show that killer heels :p

View of the interior

I’ll be waiting? Will I?

It strikes me and made me feel mellow that, everyone start to be moving on. I woke up with a thought that freaks me out. I am scared that the feeling will disappear. I am afraid that it would never be the same as what’s inside my head. Like the great one said, to differentiate the reality and what’s playing in my head. I sort of jumble up between the two. I am scared to be the past. I am scared that whether he’s already moved on. I want him back. I want him back in Penang. I miss him so much. I wish he’s mine again. As I said to him, I’ll be waiting.

Will I? Will I wait for him? I should let him go.

Cry my heart out and let it go.

If its meant to be, he will come back to me.

The truth is

I’ve been crying almost everyday this december. It’s been a tough december for me. December is my favorite month of the year, but I don’t know why so many hurdles that challenge my patience & faith. All of this because of the slight change in heart, leads to few events that break my heart just because I wanted to be honest to everyone. I can just save myself by being so hypocrite but I choose not to.

I’m trying not to be emotional about it but this month has been an extreme emotional turmoil for me. What I should do 7 years ago, I should be dealing with it now, and of course the aforemoentioned triggers it.

I can’t really write it down much here, this is utterly private matter of mine, but i got to spill it out to clear my head, and heart. So, here is my story…

I met someone almost 8 years ago, that fast becoming my best friend. We keep on pushing each other to strive for better life, and helping each other in moving on with our own life. Guidance, advice, strength, faith, trust and hope is intertwinedly exchanged. Life has been good. I discover the unconditional love, that doesn’t include obsession, possession, exclusion and jealousy, until we fall really hard.

It is a dead-end relationship and yet, the honest heart care for the others tenderly, without any future and expectation. Life goes on, and I have a backbone strength that made me where I stand and who I am now. It’s been good and dandy when we ignored the hard cold fact. As they say, ignorance is bliss.

There are few occasion that really break my heart, Started when I was in KL, where I was pushed away when the other needed people around for strength. I was pushed away because the void is filled, and I’m just a substitute when it is void. It hurts so bad. But still, the unconditional, I hold on to, I swallow the poison. Put on smile on my face. Pretended to fathom the situation.

Again, I was given a thought to live my own life earlier this year. To find my own happy ending when the heart is still fonder to the other. That was the deal once I finished off my Masters. I cried on the spot. I cried, in silence. Tears running down my cheek non-stop, thinking of the day when I should let go, and fly.

I tried to mend my own heart, and slowly accepting the fact. For months, I slowly letting the feeling go, unconsciously. I started to bring down the wall I’ve been putting for myself. I started to open up to people. I started to take chances. I started putting on hopes for myself.

I succeeded. And it started 4 months ago. The other started suspecting there’s a changes in heart in about two months ago. I was in denial for 4 months, and ignoring what I feel, but it reflected in the way am behaving.

I am denying my own feeling. I am denying there’s a slight renovation in the little heart of mine. I becoming restless when there’s a transition, geographically in early december. I told the great one, how I felt the night before trigger leave the town.

I lost two person that made changes in my heart that weekend. I cried. Again. and again.

Fear came after knowing what’s growling in my heart, and we’re slammed with the very hard cold fact that we’re trying to ignore. A big fight, a mean presumption and comparison of me last night. I didn’t sleep. I cried & tried to called more than 50 times just to get the explanation.

I went to the office with a red puffy eyes. I did my sketchup with tears running down my cheek. We talked after work and trying to come up with a solution. Am anticipating big changes in my life this new year. Am anticipating a heart break that I don’t know, will it ever heal and to altruistly letting go.

This shouldn’t happened in the first place. We should just be friends.

Unconditional love for almost 8 years, how would I ever let go? Please tell me how to? It’s a dead end, and both party will get hurt. I am already hurt with the reality.

But I have to move on. I have to find my own guy. I have to find my own happy-ending.

I have to stand up again. This time, on my own feet.

Oh lord please give me strength for me, I can’t take the pain anymore. It hurts so bad to know that I’ve slowly moved on with my own life, and it hurt even worse that I should be letting it go by now.

“Some people think it’s holding on that makes one strong- sometimes it’s letting go.”

“There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life.”

Gone.

I don’t fall often too, but when I do, i really fall hard. I did fall hard for the past few months and it doesn’t do me good because it is unrequited. He just treated me like friends. I know that from the start but I keep on letting my heart open. Silly me.

As I was driving back home from drinks with friends, I cried again. When I was on the way for dinner, I cried. When the great one called, I cried. I am a crybaby. but I can’t deny what I have felt and I can’t lie to myself.

My heart ache, even when I try to put a smile on my face. My heart aching from it. Poor, poor heart. I don’t know what to do. I hope time will heal. I’ve been crying a lot more than I ever did. Please don’t do this to me again.

I’ll leave you alone.

But I won’t stop loving you. I swear on that. Even it kills me.

Reviewing 2011

Hey, this is a bit way way earlier that I normally do. I need to keep myself in check and to keep me sane. This emotional turmoil has taken a toll in my life. I am enjoying december but I am experiencing mixed painful heart-shattering moments. I do. Try to hold it up together, keeping chin up and wearing that pretty smile.

Okay, with reference of my 2011 resolution post, below are the list of things that I should do this year:

1. Need to maintain my health – meaning a toner body, higher metabolism, awesome skin, and to concentrate on becoming a women. Meaning I need to maintain a strict exercise regime (pilates, tennis & gym workout), drink lotsa water,  focusing on appearance and to enhance the inner and outer beauty.  Gals, watch out your man next year 

Okay, I don’t really keep up with my health. I got sick so many times, allergies for months, runner’s knee injury, and what’s not. I am so so sorry my dear body. Will keep you in good condition starting next year. I promise you that! More water, toner body, better metabolism, and awesome skin! More tennis & workout (this include swimming). Watch out your man next year? Yes, hold on to your guys next year girls ! Imma gonna be as awesome as ever! Swear on my soul !

2. To graduate with distinction for my Msc and to continue further. Amen.

Alhamdulillah. I did graduated with MSc in Landscape Architecture this year. 

3. To love and workout my awesome thesis. I need to put my heart and soul into it. Yes, I promise! 

I nailed this !! 

4. To get an awesome job! Awesome means extremely generous and interesting job scope and the ability to travel all around the world. weeee 

Oh I am working an awesome job. Salary wise, maybe not as awesome as I thought. Or probably I am fresh graduate. Anyhowww, I am planning for the same job scope with additional of opportunity to travel all around the world. (Beaming positive vibes to the universe)

5. I want to meet someone with an initial K.S. Oh yeah. You! 

Ok, this is like wanting to fly to the moon. Of course I haven’t met him yet. But I met someone as awesome as KS but started with a D. Hmmm.

6. Travel. travel and more traveling this year!

I did travel to Singapore. A solo traveling. woohoo! 

7. Will try to keep positive in life, laugh things off and enjoying life!

Oh. I did. Still doing it, even during the hard times. Down low. I still managed to be positive (even if I’m denying, and ignoring the hard cold fact).

8. I want to get my life organized, help others and to learn something new (this include to learn how to swim)

I am organizing my life here in Penang, and it’s been all well. I get my own crib, ride, awesome social network, tennis clan, awesome colleagues. I am helping my friends the way I can. Learn something new, I did but I can’t share it here. xx

9. Yeah. To spend more time with friends and family 

I spent my time most of the time here with friends. I am no longer a loner (only when I needed a time break and ME time only). 

10. To get creative and loving what I’m doing, whatever it is  Taking risk & building confidence.

Oh I am so doing it now. Doing creative things and I am loving what i am doing now. I do take risk & confidence from all the down low experience

Wherever you are

I’m sitting here at the balcony enjoying the Penang bridge view and the almost sunset horizon. Trying to reminise and to refocus in life. I’ve been in emotional turmoil for the past few months. I am like a prisoner escaped from the prison that I build for myself. I let go, I give chances to me and to others. I’ve opening up myself to people and new experiences, and life. I am still that eccentric ida, just a little bit better. That’s good, but I have lost focus too, in general. I should be concentrating on career and my own personal development, but I have been pushing that away, and engaged in the emotional thrill.

I’ve been sick of being the straight A, excellent students so I let myself let loose and get on with the flow instead of planning every little step that I am taking. The great one said, yes you can do that but I shouldn’t let go of my own set target in life, no matter what. I can just crazy partying every weekend, but I have to stay focus too. He’s right. I should get back to the right track and move forward. I had a deep conversation with the great one about it last night, and to confess that I’m falling for someone & i feel guilty because of that. He said, it’s okay, I shall experience it sooner or later, and I should let go. The great one has been there for me for the past 8 years and it was a heart shattering to actually face the reality that, what I am experiencing now. Luckily he understand what I’ve gone through and saying it is alright, and no matter what, he will always be there for me. I love him too much for being such a great friend all these while. I am so so afraid that I will hurt him with the truth but he seem to take it with open heart. I forgot he is the wiser one.

He’s been advising me to not to be uptight and emotional about it and when it is meant to be, it will be. No matter where I am, how much the distance far off and all sort. He’s right. I just need to refocus back to my career & personal development and let the chip fall where it may. He also said, I just need to stay at least another 6 months before I can move on to other place. I will stay here until I sort things out and then, let wait where i’m fated to be next.

As of the other, he’s leaving for KL today & I don’t get to see him before he go. I guess he doesn’t want to see my cry? I’ve been a crybaby & the last thing he wants to do is to see me get hurt. So, I am helplessly say take care & see you soon. Sob.

So, what do I actually learn from all these hurdles?

1. I’m losing focus on the PhD and my research; I get so down when my MSc doesn’t have any weighage to the industry where, at one point I regreted switching to  the landscape industry, but to think back, I am glad I did. And, no, I don’t regret it. I shall embrace this journey and move forward. This is just a tiny bump to the longer journey ahead. The road will be clearer once I get over this. I’ll bounce back, and get back on track. I got to promise that to myself. I need to push myself  for this. Afterall, this is my life.

2. It is okay once a while to tear down the wall I build for myself. It was a great experience and I shall cherish it forever. No matter what’s going to happen in the future, I am glad what I did yesterday and shall look on the bright side for tomorrow onwards. It its meant to be happened, it will be. I don’t have to force it. Don’t have to be so uptight about it. Don’t have to rush it. If there is a mutual feeling, let it be, without any expectation. Just need to embrace and be contented of what it is now. and that’s it. Time will tell. and heal. (wiping own tears)

3. I am replanning my own self target and what I should do next. I shall be thankful for friends that have been there for me here through my ups and down. I love you guys so much. I am lost without all of you. Thank you for being there for me.

4. I shall be more commited to work, and to learn as much as I can in the first quarter of 2012 so that by June 2012 I can be a competent landscape architect. I got to promise myself this. Yes, this is my 6 months short term goal. Better draftmanship, better gasp of architectural work, and better client relationship communication. On top of that, to drive the company well by providing a high standard design work. I promise this to you my dear boss. I shall learn as much as I can for the company and also, for my own self.

That’s all I can think of and am feeling of right now. I’ll blog about how am I holding on later. I got to do two weeks of laundry, and to sort out my life. I have a friendly tennis match tomorrow and I am lined up as the mixed doubles tomorrow too. In the mean time, have a nice day my reader. I am fine. I am stronger than ever, and I am still learning to grow up. I think I have grown, and I am proud of myself because of that.

Ok. Vain. but this is my space in the internet where I can talk about myself. So, yeah. Please bear with me. I am that vain here. But definitely, nope in person.

Even though we’re miles apart , I will hold you down just like a soldier

Cos I’m yours and you stole my heart, Love you got the key

(Unique Zayas ft. Charice – Wherever you are)